Monday, December 3, 2018


Friday night, November 30th,  I cracked open a bottle of red, lit a few candles, put on some music, sat in a nook dedicated to Krista. There, surrounded by her music scores, I reflected and cried. 

This is not an uncommon occurrence. The difference is my music selection. “Baroque Duet by Kathleen Battle and Wynton Marsalis.” 

I have not listened to any Kathleen Battle in over a year and a half. My wife owned every recording she ever produced, she was her favorite soprano. The recordings with which Krista would sing along sometimes matching Kathleen so well that I could not tell if it was recording or Krista that I was hearing when working in another room. 

As I lost myself in the music I reflected upon our life together and my life in the 18 months since she was killed, and the one full year since I began living publicly as Xenia. It was cathartic. 

I have a rare circumstance. I am a 48-year old single mother raising two teenage kids, widowed after her wife of 26 years was unexpectedly killed by a drunk driver. The death in a cherished partnership, best friendship, a lover and wise counsel - which occurred just as I was taking my first steps in coming out after a lifetime of closeted gender dysphoria. 

I wrote three important blogs on this weekend anniversary, revealing more the intersection of music, spirituality, and gender played in the Love between Krista and me from the very start of our relationship. In the past 18 months, I have written 23 posts relating to my experience as a woman and 10 with regard to Krista and our love, not to mention countless Facebook posts related to both. After my last, and by far my most important and revealing blog entry, One Year Out, I now feel content that I have shared all I need to share. 

Grief is ongoing, and I am still growing and learning. But now it is right that I step away and use these online forums for my musical endeavours. 

In these past 18 months, many people have thanked me for my openness with what are rather personal experiences. Many are either trans or gender non-binary themselves. Others are allies, friends, spouses, parents, and children of someone who is trans.  They tell me they have benefited from what I have shared in Love, in grief and revealing my true sex and gender.

I am indeed grateful for the support others have shown. Quite often I receive messages like, "You go girl!" and "Just Be Continue to be You..." - This is great, but it doesn't really address what is needed, you see, "Just Being Me..." is quite easy. I love who I am.  The Hard part is fighting the harmful propaganda from Religious Groups and governments.

Since the current US federal executive administration has undone many of the scientifically and medically backed policies guided by field experts that were enacted under the previous administration, women like me live in a more hostile environment fueled by lies and mis-characterizations. It is with this in mind that I commit to keep these posts public as I myself live openly and engage with my neighbors and communities without fear. 

So Now when I am confronted by people who question my sex and gender, I merely ask them for their Medical License, their WPATH (World Professional Association for Transgender Health) credentials, and in which peer-reviewed journal their research findings have been published.  If they cannot present any of those, it is safe to ignore them and go about my business -- even if this means, I have to do their job for them and serve myself because they claim a religious objection.

Having said all of that, My posts are indexed under two headings:
For Krista the index is found at: My Late Wife

For my transgender experience: Xenia Warrior Bassist

That’s all I have got to say about that. 

With Justice, Compassion, Perseverance 

Sunrise over the western Nebraskan Sandhills (near Cody on Highway 20 - August 2017)

No comments:

Post a Comment