Tuesday, December 5, 2017

A Human Story: Transgender Warrior

Regarding my recent revelation that I am Transgender.
I am no different than I have always been.  Its just that now I am letting my guard down for you to be able to see what Krista and our kids saw and knew for all of these years.  In 1991, Krista and I were both going on our own paths. Really running from our pasts when we fell into each other.  We built each other up and sustained each other, finding solace and comfort with one another when we felt no one else cared.
My announcement, revelation has been a very long time coming. As I mentioned I was prepared in June of 1991 to begin my new life, and live completely who I am. Now with Krista, she loved my spirit, my heart, my soul, she also loved the male body in which disguised me.  So I gave all to her – easy because I Love her and was completely enamored with her physical beauty and her true soul.  She always kept her guard up, which had the unfortunate effect of making others feel that she was stand-offish.  As accomplished as she was in every endeavor, she was my fragile bride whom I would envelop in my embrace for her to cry and vent. So even though we could converse as women, I would never take away the masculine image she needed for her sense of comfort and security.
That’s all I’m going to say about that.
Krista and Xenia in Oslo (February 2003)
I myself, of course have always been guarded. Though I would often “drop hints” to my identity to see if anyone could recognize my cues.  Because of my true identity, I learned very early on for the sake of my own protection, to disguise myself.  there is a lot of horrible crap that I was subjected to during my entire K-12 rural Iowa experience.  And stuff I will probably not ever share, but stuff that I keep on  guard for Soren and Birgitta and their own peer experience.
Now, regarding the timing of coming out. It has been in the works for a long time.  Birgitta and Soren have known.  I just needed to wait until after the Sentencing Hearing of Krista’s killer, and that Thanksgiving. December 1 was the date I had planned months in advance.
Over the years I have just grown so tired and wear of the Lies and B*llSh*t purposefully spread.  I do not have tolerance for that, whether its people who don’t acknowledge the reality of Climate Change, Evolution, Moon Landing, it’s the exact same thing!  This summer while I wanted to grieve in peace, I just wanted to scream and open myself up every time there was an f’n tweet that assaulted and further stigmatized me and my friends.  But I did as I have always done these past 40+ years, I held it together and directed my focus and the focus of those who love my family to Krista and our children.

I have no patience for that type of purposeful spread of propaganda and the expense of dehumanizing others.  So after years of writing and working to bring sanity and understanding to others regarding the reality of the Transgender experience. I can be much more effective if I am out in the open. To put a real person, a warrior, whose character can stand up to the lies, verbal assaults and BS of these political detractors.
My reflections, my experience are my own. I do not claim to speak for any transwoman but myself.  Nonetheless there are similar themes we share, and it is my hope that by sharing I can help bring clarity, so that you all can have some familiarity with the actual feeling of being trans when you meet others.
I added another post on Monday morning which provides a little more depth into the experience of my coming to terms with being both transgender and a feminist in rural Iowa in the days before digital technology, the Internet, Cell phones etc. -- It is the 3rd in my "coming out" trilogy.  Part 1 I reveal some of my journal thoughts, and Krista's October 1991 reflection after she read about wrestling with trans identity.
You are free to contact me if you have questions. (and I'm always willing to talk over coffee or you can join me on one of my 4-5 mile walks every morning)
And then here is the Victim Impact Statement I read on November 17, before the Judge, a packed courtroom, our children and Krista's killer.  It took me about 35 minutes, but I wanted to ensure I communicated enough about who my soul-mate Krista Lynn Sandstrom is. http://www.xenmcguire.com/2017/11/sandstrom-mcguire-family-victim-impact.html
with much Love,
Xenia (rhymes with Kenya) Sandstrom-McGuire, MA
pronouns: she/her/hers
Studio Artist, Electric Bass
Augsburg University
2211 Riverside Ave
Minneapolis, MN 55454
Office: Music Hall M-16
Xenia: Warrior Bassist
December 6, 2017

1 comment:

  1. Beautifully said. Your are two incredible people who I love to the ends of the Earth. I wish there were words that truely expressed the love I have felt for both of you. You Xenia and Krista were able to experience something that I think most people on earth never experience or they experience for an extremely short amount of time. I so happy you two married and live a truthful relationship together. I'm sincerely heartfelt happy for you to have an incredible love to share together. I also wish she was on earth to this day. Thank you for sharing you story.