Thursday, November 30, 2017

Awakening the Warrior Spirit part 1:

The year 1991, the year I turned 21 years old, marked the full awakening of my fiery spirit from the depths of its smothered slumber. I was living in Nottingham, UK, as a Philosophy student from northeastern Iowa. It was here, I discovered the power of my inner Strength, Resilience and Passions rolled into one to focus creativity, empathy and awareness -- a Warrior instilled with Justice, Compassion, and Perseverance.  Those first five months I grew in my reflection-- exercising my soul. Preparing for life ahead.

In June of 1991, I returned to the states. A spontaneous road trip to Madison, WI found a close friendship developing into full blown romance and true love. A touching of souls.  That is where I began my 26 years with Krista. We were both running...following different paths, But we fell into each other, we recognized our kindred spirits.  We shared deeply.  Truly feeling as One.

Us the Summer of 1991
This past week, I found my journal from that time in my life.  Krista is the Only person I ever let read my journal. It marked deeply personal loves and pains through poems, prose, reflections.  As I was reading the thoughts of my younger self, I found one page, A letter to me, written in Krista's unmistakable hand.  Here I share her words, and I share some of my poems from that time.

Krista's message to Christian October 11, 1991 at 3:55pm
My message to Christian if he ever finds it.
I read much pain and frustration in this talisman. I feel much pain. You are human, so complete, unaware of the strength of your humanity that you often question it? I wonder if maybe that is because our society, your "friends" and exgirlfriends continue to question your humanity. The most normal response from you would then be to question yourself.
The most attractive feature about Kent Christian McGuire is his ability to ponder, discover, realize, and communicate his findings on society. He is whole, complete, not in need of anyone to give him identity. This fullness of life, humanness, and most important love for others, makes him my favorite "possession." Though I use that word questionably, for one can not "possess" a person such as K. Christian. His identity is so strong it more than likely rubs off on others. Although they may be frightened by it, repeatedly push it away and mock it, as well as him.
He could be easy to use and maybe has been more than once. But such security in himself was allowed an even more secure human to arise from his burning heat.
It touches me to the extend of emotional overload to read of his frustration with society, and especially his love/pain.
My existence in his life is still too fresh and too young to make much of a dent in his armour, but as you may have seen, I've received some recognition and bright spots among his words. My only hope is that I may be good to him, good for him, and emote love, insight and even some other looks of our world from him. I wish I could protect him from his pain, be it himself or society, but I can't I haven't, I most likely won't ever be able to. But today, I love him, and try to give to him; to maintain his humanity, not diminish it, to give  him hope and much learned optimism in his future.
My dreams of him include those things others rejected; the life ahead, the poems…. This is not the actions of one involved in relationships just for sex, these are the actions of one in love.  I hope to receive such love in romantic and everlasting ways. I ache for him when he is not here. I owe much to you, my love, Kent Christian McGuire.
Putting aside my fears of 25 years down the road, that you and I will have parted -- and you read this passage - and maybe even feel that same pain of heartbreak, I advance to inform you of my everlasting love. I only hope I can remove your pain and fulfill you. And Now I know.
With all my love,
Krista.
 
I do not remember her ever writing in my journal, so to come across her words at this time of my re-awakened spirit is significant.  She knew me.  I knew her.

On October 2, 1993 we formally pledged our souls to each other.  Her vows full of significance, relating her knowledge of my soul and her unconditional love.
I promise to share with you my life, my love, and my way of being.
I will accept you for what you have been, are today and will become.
I will cherish your presence and grieve in your absence
I will respect you and listen to you and care for you from now unto the boundaries of time.
I will always love her, and champion her spirit and our children.  I love you Krista.
=
Some of the significant poems which mark my awakening:

The Warrior (January 30th, 1991) 
Turn out the lights, let the silence consume me
Reflection my solace, no drink to confuse
I think of the past, of the present, what will be
My mind floats free and content with the muse

I walk on a trail through a forest of Life
It leads to the mountains which cradle the sky
I climb steady on and the range fills my sight
As my spirit cries out to find its guiding light

I then reach the summit, the warrior appears
We sit and break bread and then she draws me near
She tells of the strength found in Love and in Peace
But warns me this Right path is not one of ease

We train on the mountain and she primes my soul
To strive for this good which is now my goal
Ready for home, I take a firm stance
For Justice, Compassion, and Perseverance

I leap off the mountain, freed from my chains
And fly over deserts and desolate plains
They both appear ugly, but something's awry
Perhaps I'll see clearer the higher I fly.

No clouds above me, my thoughts spring and flow
I open my heart and look down below
I now see their beauty, I now gained insight
A balanced perfection with the mountains height. 
Llanberis, Wales at the foot of Snowdon (Dec. 1990)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Xen Journal entry, October 22, 1990
He slipped through the bars of Light
And watched as the macro- and microcosms
merged into one.
At Infinity the cosmos is viewed holistically
And the reason why a nail can spell the
outcome of a war is apparent

I am sister, brother
father, mother
son, daughter
to all things living, non-living
existent and unreal.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Xen Journal entry, February 4, 1991
I would like to see a people whose government is set up to protect the Land and yet at the same time Lay no official claims to it.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Xen's Journal entry: February 20, 1991 2:03am (Nottinhgam)
There's a head froze in nobility
Which answers to their charity
And a tail that binds society
To the flip-side of morality

Going forward, looking backwards
The rowboat veers from steady course
The ocean creeps in through the floorboards
To sink the captain and his ship

The bright sons of lurid men
Deny their minds to the latter's call.
"Mos Maiorum" has poisoned them
Now we know Rome didn't fall.

There's a head of cracked virility
Crumbling to us peacefully
And the tail that bound society
Now answers to our cry.
The Trent Building at the University of Nottingham
Where I had my Philosophy classes

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Xen's Journal entry February 23, 1991 18:57 (Nottingham) [Lyric for Song #5]
His heart is guarded by an iron framework
of bones and muscle for sound resolution.
His appearance is plain and he wears no tie
He is the warrior for social evolution.

Senatorial drunks with their minds on gold
are deeply potted in their feet of clay
And the radical punks with their statements so bold
balance the stagger of the formers' sway.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Xen's Journal February 26, 1991 
18:54 (Nottingham)
We are the children of those who make pointless law
They never wished for our songs to be sung.
Never a cry from us, not even why from us
We never question so we remain young.

The Trip

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Xen's journal entry, March 4, 1991, 16:10 (Nottingham)--
I hope that each day will approach me better...
Torn by the passions of Love and Hate
I'm never to pass through Heaven's Gate
Too many interests, not enough space
Too many concepts for one mind to embrace
Running wild, through the grey maze
The trees stand and wonder as the the southside sheep graze.
Its Rationalists Bullshit they try to amaze
So instead of reading I dream in this haze
Theories aren't Truths not even when tested
They disguise their wolves in logical vestments
Abstracted fairly-land with no apparent goal
Pragmatic Method is my way to go.
=-=
(notes: This became the acoustic section for Song #4 by my neo-Prog Rock band "Solar Plexus". - This just flowed from my pencil after receiving a very good grade on a BS philosophy paper I wrote in my Moral Philosophies of Hume & Kant at the University of Nottingham. - I was p^$$!d because I felt I merely mined my lecture notes rather than brought anything of my original thought to the paper. This piece also marks my dissatisfaction in any knowable Metaphysics (and the pointlessness waste of brain power in Apologetics as a means to understand objective reality and thereby any significant universal moral code derived from its practice--no matter how logical) - The "tree people" and "sheep" was a reference to a discussion on Hilary Putnam in my Recent Metaphysics and Epistemology Class. It was really here where I really began my journey into the American philosopher, John Dewey. )

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Xen Journal May, 30, 1991
There is a necessary distinction between Faith and Despair.
Faith is belief Regardless
Despair is belief just in case.


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Xen journal February 11, 1998 8:30pm (St. Paul; Como Park)
The wood is fading on the frame
The Clock is ticking on.
One hand measures thoughts foreseen
One for life fleeting by.
A picture stands upon a shelf
The years are counted in dust
Its window's cracked, but still I see
Her eyes which first cried with me.
Radiant stands of wavy hair
and winter blue are her eyes
They pierced my heart to know my soul
And drew my love to her..




My vows to Krista on October 2, 1993
On this day I pledge you my love, my spirit, and my life.
When you are ill I shall be healer
When you are lost in a frantic world, I shall find a path to bring you back.
When you feel alone, know that you are not forgotten and that my heart is still with you
When you feel in a state of anguish, I will provide and support and comfort you with Reason and Compassion
When you are happy, I will share in your joy.
These are the things which I pledge with my life. And whether I lead or follow I shall live it with you.
Xen's Journal
=-=-=-=

1 comment: