Friday, September 13, 2019
|August Morning on The Upper Iowa River|
I have had a few really great recharging conversations with friends (both trans and cis) this week. A few revisited themes of our shared experiences:
** A recurrent annoyance: “Welcome to Women’s World” is a phrase resonating with condescension. It is one which is still most often uttered after we have received yet another indecent proposal [* What, you think I haven’t had this happen to me my whole life? already?? Even those years I pretended to be a guy, I have been approached, hit-on, touched inappropriately, and sexually assaulted. ]
This lack of respect and understanding is as if people believe I was a man and that I suddenly woke up one morning and decided to be a woman. That isn’t how it is at all.
** I am 49 years old and I have lived my life as a woman this whole time. For 47 of those years I lived my life as a woman pretending to be a man. My brain has always been biologically female trying to act, function, emulate, interpret, respond as a male would.
- The shell others saw was the person I allowed the world to see.
- In these nearly 50 years time I have been compelled to critically evaluate the meanings, distinctions and intersections of sex and gender at greater depth than I realize even most everyone who is not trans can even approach. [* I recall taking a gender studies course in 1992– it felt the course devoted too much time exploring the distinction between assigned cultural/societal gender roles vs sex, biology ... and I felt “yeah yeah yeah already... give us something we don’t already know.”]
- After 47 years and over 20 years of therapy trying every way possible to alter my brain/soul to match what others have perceived as a male shell, I now can attest that it is so much healthier and easier make the empty shell match the brain.
- Makes it very frustrating and heartbreaking when people focus on our bodies, our appearance and neglect US- our hearts, souls, thoughts, feelings. Then their true colors fly when they discard us when our empty shells no longer suit THEIR image. Their love has been conditional, empty, meaningless.
- After talking with my friends I have realized,
No one I have ever met has greater will power than a trans person who has lived over 40 years in the closet.
- Compounding the difficulties is that deep trusting friendships are not cultivated and interpersonal communication not developed. The isolation in living a closeted life doesn’t permit one to easily choose friendships to develop. If you want to converse fully as yourself but remain closeted - you have to trust that the others won’t give you away- only other trans people can relate viscerally, but you might not share any other interests with them. - and people you might share a ton of interests with have turned out to be anti-trans bigots.
- The response to those cisgendered people who discount our lives by saying things like “You don’t know what it’s like to be a real woman”, is
You don’t know what it is like to be a woman...
...who has been forced to live as a man.
Welcome to Reality.
The only requirement is Love ~
One cannot Love when they Judge, Ridicule, and Defend ~
Love your Mother 🌍🌳🌲🌼🌺🌸🐝
(Yeah, I am THAT Earthy Hippy Chick your parents warned you about.)
I have accepted nature and my place in the Universe. I will live and I will die. I wish to leave this world knowing I did my best. I hope our descendants inherit a world that can sustain them.=+=+=+=
“The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that in glory and in triumph they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of the dot on scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner of the dot. How frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds. Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the universe, are challenged by this point of pale light.” Carl Sagan