Sunday, May 20, 2018

Authenticity, Love, and Strength

Authenticity, Love, and Strength goes a long way.

I am not going to worry about those who call me a "confused man" or an "unfit parent" who endangers children blah blah blah (I don't share a lot of this crap publicly-- but I do get it from time to time) -- or like that recent video making the rounds yesterday of a California Republican candidate who filmed herself following a woman who is transgender into the restroom and harassed her. Or the propaganda from groups like the Minnesota Family Council, Alliance Defending Freedom, Focus on the Family or those who call themselves TERFs -- Because it is clear to everyone with a heart who acts with empathy that no one involved with those groups are interested in Truth, Authenticity, Love. All they really want is an excuse to enforce their own bigotry - that's what it comes down to. When schools bring in field Experts for people to learn the real truth of what it is to be transgender, and the Minneosta Family Council will ignore that opportunity for education. Instead they will counter and bring in a Lawyer to help them "defend their religious freedom" / or they will find that one person who claims they were "formerly trans" but de-transitioned with the help of their interpretation of Gods plan. --- In reality it is clear none of them are interested in learning Truth or promoting Love, or acting for the good of community. Their actions are why Jesus was so pissed off at the Pharisees who claimed piety to Law over Love; or Socrates with the Sophists and the Athenian Elites - so caught up in defense of their ignorance and bigotry they could not pursue Truth.

I know the feelings of anger, but it does my soul no good to act in anger.

On those days I feel particularly ugly and dysphoric because I developed male secondary sex characteristics - enduring the alienation, isolation, and unnatural process of "male puberty" when all of the other girls were experiencing female puberty. [*experiencing what its like to be that girl exposed to boys in locker rooms that seems to be the crux of the anti-trans bathroom bills. Where was the Minnesota Family Council defending me from this horror?!? - again its because they lack Love they cannot see Truth.]

Xenia without make-up
I have decided to combat those negative feelings by taking them head-on -- I post videos and pictures of me - not just of those which I feel good about, but like the one the other day of me jamming for the fk of it on bass. I put on make-up to try and alleviate those male looking features and ended up feeling even more ugly - So I thought to myself dammit, I can either sulk and feel dejected or I can simply go out in public.

This is my nature, It is how I functioned and continue to function in the aftermath of Krista's death. Anyone who has been in conversation with me when I bring her up, has experienced me having to pause, tear up and just start to cry before I can regain composure and continue. But that is what I do.

I have the harsh blizzard wind stinging my body, but I'll be damned if I let it destroy my soul and zap my confidence and my full human experience. 

Last week when I went in for a professional bra fitting, I was at first not wanting to go alone. I had a very good and empathetic cisgender friend offer to make the call and come with me. I was grateful, but I ultimately decided, this is something I must do for myself. So I made the call, asked the questions, set up my appointment and went down for my fitting. Even then, I had some dysphoria creep in, but the woman who was helping me, really set me at ease. She only saw me as a woman.

What those who lack empathy will never get, never be able to see, is that despite what they impose, and despite the stress I have already experienced every second of every day of my life feeling unnatural and uncomfortable in a body which was infected by male secondary sex characteristics.
Is that I am and have always been female. I am not a traitor to the male gender, nor trying to be a non-conformist and reject 'male' social roles. -- I have always had a female brain, a female soul: confident and fearless. Now with the proper hormones fueling me, I am finally at home, at ease and natural - no need for the ineffective anti-depressants - Ah this is what cisgender people have always known! this is a great feeling - so why do so many cis-gendered citizens try so hard to prevent me from sharing in feeling natural - from having the proper hormones from feeding the starved areas of my brain and body?] 
It is a very powerful experience and indicator of a good soul full of Love when people see me for who I am. 
- The most powerful words of Love expressed to me, occurred when I was feeling particularly bad about my appearance, frustrated I started to choke up...she saw me for me, held me and with an empathetic voice which communicated her understanding said:

"Oh Sweet, Darling Girl"

She held me and cried with me.
---
It is with this light, with my own self-knowledge, competency, reflection that I can easily disregard the actions of the current administration, organizations like the Minnesota Family Council - Because they do not act in Love, Definitely no empathy, no gumption to Inquire for Truth or even awareness that they themselves lack the ability understand how much a slave they have become to dogma. - Their words cannot hurt me. But while it is easy for me to shake my head in disbelief and laugh at them for their idiocy and flimsy attempts at theology, they really do much damage to our neighborhoods and our country in promoting lies fueled by bigotry. - And in this case turn a blind eye to women who continue to be murdered, assaulted and raped.

I will only combat their bigotry by remaining a good and active member of my community, my children's lives, my own volunteering at schools and when bus loads of elementary aged school children arrive in my neighborhood to visit the Zoo and Conservatory, I will continue to take interest in their education by saying hello with my usual smile and nod.

Most people are decent human beings.I chose to follow that course.

Xenia

Promoting Love, Strength, and Actual Truth
Living visibly in accord with Nature.
I am and have always been Woman
Mind, Body, and Soul here Aligned
in Truth, Beauty, and Goodness
Our Children, Our Family, Our World
Overcome Ignorance
Bias
Bigotry
Femina Sum
This Natural Biology is Truth
I am and have always been Woman